I’ve spent the last two days on retreat. Overwhelmed by all the work I had ahead of me, I geared what the Lord might say to me in the last 24 hours of silence. I didn’t pursue him as I thought I should, my mentality, my mind was set on, well, if God has something to tell me, I’m right here. Yea, not quite the right attitude, I wanted to come up with excuses but the reality is, I decided to set up a wrestling match with God. I gave up some fighting words and in return, i found myself wrestling alone. Just me and an empty mat. I sat there waiting for an answer, reasons to to leave and not wait. Then finally, the image of a cathedral came to my mind, I was sitting in the back, a light glow over me, the tabernacle slightly in focus. Intimidating? Maybe. Fear, I would think so, a coward, I am many of times. I had an opportunity to speak and stayed quiet, I had an opportunity to see clearer, I closed my eyes. I had an opportunity to surrender, instead, my pride got in the way. Yet in the mists of all of this, he still waits for me. Today’s the feast of St Paul none the less. I listened to his conversion story as I sat in the back of the Cathedral during mass, again I was reminded of all the past matches I had with God, the endless battles within me, then i was reminded that I need to continue to seek him more often, I need to continue fight and wrestle in my own trials with the expectation that I would be converted into s better man. A Better servant, a man fully given of himself and stripped of his old ways. I ask myself, when will that day come? it’s here, it’s now, am I willing.