LIFE AS I KNOW IT

30 and Enjoying Life

HOW NOT FOCUSING CAN REALLY MESS WITH YOUR DAY

So for the past two weeks I’ve been having  a real hard time focusing. To tell you the truth, I can’t focus at all. I have a huge project due for work tomorrow and I can’t get my brain to think or focus at all. I feel as I have ADHD or something, I think that’s what it is. Anyway. I thought I type away and get my thoughts now out of my head.

The Cathedral Within Me

I’ve spent the last two days on retreat. Overwhelmed by all the work I had ahead of me, I geared what the Lord might say to me in the last 24 hours of silence. I didn’t pursue him as I thought I should, my mentality, my mind was set on, well, if God has something to tell me, I’m right here. Yea, not quite the right attitude, I wanted to come up with excuses but the reality is, I decided to set up a wrestling match with God. I gave up some fighting words and in return, i found myself wrestling alone. Just me and an empty mat. I sat there waiting for an answer, reasons to to leave and not wait. Then finally, the image of a cathedral came to my mind, I was sitting in the back, a light glow over me, the tabernacle slightly in focus. Intimidating? Maybe. Fear, I would think so, a coward, I am many of times. I had an opportunity to speak and stayed quiet, I had an opportunity to see clearer, I closed my eyes. I had an opportunity to surrender, instead, my pride got in the way. Yet in the mists of all of this, he still waits for me. Today’s the feast of St Paul none the less. I listened to his conversion story as I sat in the back of the Cathedral during mass, again I was reminded of all the past matches I had with God, the endless battles within me, then i was reminded that I need to continue to seek him more often, I need to continue fight and wrestle in my own trials with the expectation that I would be converted into s better man. A Better servant, a man fully given of himself and stripped of his old ways. I ask myself, when will that day come? it’s here, it’s now, am I willing.

Re-Check and Focus

It’s hard for me to understand what really makes a man a strong man. Do you have tough, soft spoken, weak, in control, patient, loving, a jerk, well built, overweight, or simply be simple. I can’t wrap my thoughts around it. I understand what my identity is, I get that, but what I do t get is if I’m truly living that out, is their a type of strength that I don’t see. Im I blinded by my own weaknesses and strength, or I’m I just a jerk as some people have already placed me in that bucket. So other than Christ being the ultimate example of what is real man, I have yet to put myself in that category. I think about the sacrifices I’ve made, does that make me man, I think about the men I try to push day and day out, but I get silent response. I think about the failed relationships that are planted in the back of my head and although I would like to share this with the men I surround myself with, they just don’t get it. Believe me, this is probably some of my pride just speaking and I’m definitely not better than anyone else, I just want the truth to finally overtake the things I don’t see. So leave these thoughts here, still choosing to strive for something greater, to become a real man of virtue. To become man who has let all his walls crash down. Humble and at Peace.

Charred

Why charred? I decided tonight that i would search and read through Ezekial, looking for a certain scripture verse on the heart and pride, instead I stumbled upon Chapter, now, I’m no theologian, even though I studied theology for three years, my mind can’t grasp it all, I just have not developed that side of the brain as old as I am now 29 “the end of the world right?” we’ll not so much. Yes I’m getting older, I definitely have my wise and not so wise moments. But as I read this verse, the question was asked, “when the fire has consumed both ends of it, and the middle of it is charred, is it useful for anything? …..can it ever be used anything!” As i reflect I think about how easy it is to have to much on your plate, how easy it is not to rely on the lord and expect one self to be the main root. What a reminder that is, that at any moment, you can dry up so fast that any little spark would burn you down to the ground, leaving nothing but ashes, if your lucky, yea you might get charred, but that doesn’t really leave you with much to work with. The immediate image I get is darkness with little pieces of flames burning underneath, slowly breaking down each element to the ground. But the courageous thing about God is that he believes in us, he believes in me, even though I might not see it all the time, the Lord if willing to take a risk. I’m I willing to see God face to face or I’m I to afraid that I would quickly burn before him. Interesting. I pray that I may be able to embrace the life and opportunity God has put before me. Amen.

Talk talk talk

Ive taken a breath, Ive listened to all the words people have to say and it’s all beginning to sound like white noise. As I continue to seek this deeper truth, the deeper I allow my heart to be pierced by Gods love, the more it hurts. Although it hurts, I know it’s a right hurt, I know that the pain I feel is of the Lord. I can’t ignore it, the true reason is, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know what to do with this overwhelming love God has for me. Its taken me some time recognize this and I have to pray.

I kinda miss the old me

Sometimes I think about the old joy in my life, I guess some say the nicer guy others say a servant, the dude with a big heart, yea, cheesy I know. I’m realizing now as I get older, it’s harder to break bad habits, it’s harder to change, I have yet to fit in with people I can just be, is that bad? Is it bad that I just don’t want to talk things out, my theme of being open slipping through my hands, yea it worries me. Who to trust, yes the Lord but what about those around me. Everyone in so many different places, I’m not equipped to give the answers. I just pray that my meeting tomorrow opens up a new door and begins to bring a new light and closure.

The Change Up

So I’ve been thinking lately. I’m 29, soon to be knocking on the 30 door, about a year away. My career should be rolling, I should be hitting home runs every week. EHHHHHHHHH I don’t know. As the year continues, the Lord continues to reveal things that I just don’t understand. It’s a frequent headache to tell you the truth. I sometimes think, I’m I retarded or something? Do I think to much, do I over analyze , I’m I not where he wants me to be spiritually. Will this mountain ever get smaller, man this is getting old! It’s funny how things just don’t work out as “I would like” it’s not my plan its really his. Maybe that’s what I don’t understand. To be honest, when I see others getting it, I’m like, duh, yea of course that make sense. Alright, now it’s my turn, SPLAT, right on my face. Not really something I want to get use to, I want to avoid as many walls as possible. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you cant fully understand what God is trying to do in your life if you do not allow him to. It’s that simple concept that gets lost in the mix of darkness and sin, distractions, when we let go of the Lord just for a sneak peak at the perks of sin. I’m done with this thought, but i’ll have to get back for sure.

A little bit of this, A little bit of that

One can only imagine what the Lord intimately expects from us. He desires to have us ever close to him and out of the shadows that hide our most interior fears. It is only then when our hearts and mind are truly free. That little part of light that consumes the darkness within begins a new form of interior living. Therefore our interior reflects the exterior and when fully given to the Lord, that little give, goes a long way. So live in the light and not in the shadows.

Hope in All in things

As I reflected this morning during prayer, I was reminded of how strong the Lords love is for me. It’s a constant reminder that i’m not alone. As my life unfolds before me, I thank God , as I should, for everything in my life. It’s difficult, especially when those areas of thankfulness are things that allow  me to grow or in other words, make me grow. Now, its funny, I usually don’t speak about many of these things as I”m typing them now, I really do not understand what it is. I don’t enjoy sharing my thoughts, feelings, emotions, yet, this is what I’m thankful for. I’ve come to understand  the areas in my life that I need to fully give myself to the Lord, especially in the most difficult of times. I definitely have fears that I need to overcome, I have many adventures and goals that I want to pursue, but I’m not getting any younger, just older. With becoming older also comes many responsibilities to have a plan of action to TRUST when I don’t want to.

Phil 4:6

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.

So as I continue to pursue this deep relationship with the Lord, hurdle after hurdle, fault after fault, may I come to understand fully the grace, mercy, and love he has for me. May I come before him in every thought, in every work, in every relationship I have, and may the Eucharist be fully alive within my soul, that a desire for more of the Lord reign over me.

Adrian

The Final Disicion

The final disicion. Do you ever think About how many tricks your mind plays on you? The different emotions that interfere with what exactly you want to do in your life. Why is it that I often think about if what I knew now, can I go back in time and restate, do it all over again, the.right way. I see all the young faces around me and I can’t help but to share the dos and do nots about life, only my experiences of course. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’m I making the right discision’s? Is this where im suppose to be? I’ll leave it at that. God bless