LIFE AS I KNOW IT

30 and Enjoying Life

Category: Trusting in God

How Real Are You

I think about this often especially with the different Interactions I have and those who I come across. For the most I feel I can sense a fake a long mile away, if I don’t like you you’ll probably pick up on that by the end of the day if not by however more distant I become from that person. I know, it’s pretty selfish and self centered but if I font like you I’m not going to pretend everything is a go. But what I take from this is something much bigger, something I have to really work on, I’m not being true to myself and to who God is calling me to be. Side thought, don’t you hate when people whisper three feet away from you, you know they are talking crap, but seriously tell like it is, stop being fake. Alright that’s two things I have to work on, I can be a jerk.

So this blog post has really become another rant, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I need to tighten up the loose ends, sand down the rough edges I still gave to work on and allow myself to let others be themselves even though it comes across as being really fake.

So brings me back to my title, how real are you? How real are you with people around you?

Life Can always FLIP.

The last couple of days have not been the easiest of days. It’s that helpless feeling where I should be home with my family during hard times. I think to myself, why does God do what he does, place struggles in our lives and knock me out like a heavy weight boxer, one day I’m up and ready, the next I’m on the floor with a blank stare.  I wish I can be a little more honest and type what I’m really feeling but it’s to confidential and all I have right now is the opportunity to surrender to God and say, “Here I am. What do I. How do I contain my emotion? Help me be a bigger MAN in this moment of struggle.” My life has just been flipped, now what. I pray. I listen. I stand still. I take a breath and look and Jesus straight in the eye. I will. This is your will. I’m not alone. I will. I will. I will. So, Lord, you’ve flipped my life around once again and I thank for giving me the words I need in order to be the MAN my family needs right now. Lord give the confidence to be that MAN. LORD grant me the peace of heart to do your WILL. Help me to love unconditionally. Help me to know you more.

Exploring my Options

A lot has been placed on my mind lately. Work. School. Work. Pursuing my dream job at age 30. I was asked the other day, what do you want to do with your life. To be honest, I thought I would figure out what I wanted to do while being away from California for two years, with the beginning of Lent, and so like my life, I’ve entered the desert facing temptations and at times my own blindness. So what does have to with what I just started with. I have no answer really, I’ve been searching, I’ve been reading every blog post topic I can find on pursuing my dream job at age 30, I’ve come across view points from a females perspective but what about a males perspective, what does that look like. Do I or should I just write my own and launch  something for people in my shoes to follow. This is how I’ve decided to start my lenten journey/prayer.   Do I just pack up and leave and explore what my options are. I have little money, no commitments, I’ll be 30 in 4 months, do I hit the road July 1, my birthday. I really don’t know, but I do know that my heart is stirring right now, maybe because I’m listening to the new coldplay album. Who knows really. But if you or whoever is reading or if anyone reads this, have any suggestions, feel free to shoot me a message. Be on the look out for my plan of attack.

The Final Disicion

The final disicion. Do you ever think About how many tricks your mind plays on you? The different emotions that interfere with what exactly you want to do in your life. Why is it that I often think about if what I knew now, can I go back in time and restate, do it all over again, the.right way. I see all the young faces around me and I can’t help but to share the dos and do nots about life, only my experiences of course. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’m I making the right discision’s? Is this where im suppose to be? I’ll leave it at that. God bless

The Unknown

Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence. JPII

Blow my freaking socks off, seriously. Have no fear? Step out fearlessly knowing? The funny thing is, the closer and closer I become aware of the Lord in my life the more challenging it becomes. I know, this has been the re-occuring theme of my life and I really never know how to control it, well I”m not sure if control is the right word for it. First things first, the Chargers are no bueno and I’m still in 6th place in my fantasy football league. Thought I get that off my mind before I continue. Ok, ready GO! So friday I had the amazing opportunity to get back to the world of  retreats, 8th graders to be exact, ton of fun, I was little tired and I have to admit I was a little rusty. I should have been ready to go, I had done a 6th grade retreat the week before (How exactly do I relate to 6th graders, I don’t ) Anyway, I enjoyed it, good times sharing my testimony again, 1o odd years of growth.

 

Eeeek! BRAIN FART!

So… the unknown, what does that mean?  Its an everyday thing right?  I know what’s going on around me, what the next thing is on the of things to do, but I don’t know exactly what the Lord is doing in my heart. I continue to strive to let the lord work in my everyday prayer, in my relationships etc. I”m in my element. Side track again. I recently starting reading True Devotion…one of the first things that has beat me over the head is the thought of being humble before our Lord. It takes deep devotion, desire, and most of all humility. I have little pieces here and there but still something I’ve started working on. Nothing to crazy, just simple. Ahh,  I hate when this happens, I’m getting tired. So… this will have to be a to be continued….

Last thought, the Lord is kicking my butt. I’m attempting to humble myself before him. I need to man up and grow. He continues to call me, I continue to be fearful because its the unknown…….but all in all, I have the confidence to pursue him and the times that I don’t, he continues to challenge me every step of the way. Thanks God, you rock. JMJ PRAY FOR US. Love the Lord always. Be aware of the unknown and Love it!

 

ADFRS

Looking Up

Amazing. My trip has been just that. I’ve met some interesting people, interacted with a beautiful family with all different personalities with one thing in common “House of Love” I’ve been happy and joyful, reflecting on how much God has brought to light in my heart and my life. I still stop and think, God, what direction are really taking me in. I know i’m still on that journey to figuring that out, and I can finally say, I’m ok with that. Just yesterday, I walked off the train and walked to smack center of Grand Central Station, if only you were able to see the smile on my face. Yes, the entire place was busy, but my mind and heart were in totally in a different element. I felt at peace and joy filled. To experience the beauty in my surrounding. I stood there for a while, then I followed the music, violins. I walked towards them and found two beautiful Irish gals, they finished the last song they were on and rested their fingers for one more set and continued on to play “You Raise me Up” Probably one of the best covers I’ve ever heard. I was moved and inspired, they rocked it. I figured after that I continued my journey to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Immediately the streets became loud. People walking non-stop to the next destination, work, food, shopping, the city really did not sleep. My ears would not stop ringing, all of sudden I was in a pit of noise from every direction. So I finally made it to St. Patrick’s, as I entered, the noise immediately disappeared. I was in awe of its beauty, I sat in front of our Lord for about an hour, went to mass followed by confession, it was beautiful.

It was great just to be silent, share with the Lord what was going on in my heart and he took care of the rest. My trust was totally in him at that time and moment. I kinda took a nap for a little while but felt very peaceful when I woke up. That’s really though when hit me. God loves me so much, loves us so much, that all I have to do is come before him and rest. Like seriously that is all it takes, coming before him, yea I went to see the rest of NY, time square, central park, museums, their was something about being at St. Patrick’s calling me to just sit there. I think in all I spend about 3 hours there, just enjoying the presence of the Lord and praying for the people who had no clue as to what they were walking into. I mean, people were taking pictures during mass, walking a long side of me, it was a disaster. I just prayed that the Holy Spirit would bless them in some way. Anyway, this is just a glimpse of the trip. I hope to continue to blog. I need too.

BACK TO TRAINING!

It has been nearly 10 years since I’ve attended any type of  intense “Spiritual Training” only this time I’m not the one hitting the road. With over 114 missionaries recruited from  Australia, England, and all across the United States, today begins the second week of NET TRAINING. What does this training look like… Prayer 7:30am Mass 8:15am Breakfast – MAN PRAISE -(thought I throw that in there) Men’s Session, Womens Sessions, and some intense talks focusing on our personal relationships with the Lord. This is just a glimpse and man has the Lord been working in the lives of these young people, including myself. Again, the last time I attended NET Training I was just a typical 18 year old kid, as they called me back in the day. Only this time I’m on staff, leading small group, sharing my personal testimony, leading worship. God has truly placed me here to serve once again. Yes it’s hard at times but that is part of the growth, I’m still trying to figure it out, as one of my supervisors says, “Conversion is a on going process” something I continue to remind myself and to know personally that if I fall short I can still count on the Lord and my brothers and sisters to get me up and going (yes, I still struggle with this) But can I say how amazing the last two weeks have been, yes stressful at times but man oh man the Lord is kicking my butt!

I don’t want to make this post to long, overall, the Lord continues to reveal things in my life that I have nothing on. I have to rely on the Lord and let him work in my heart. I know.. I know this is really mushy mushy and I don’t like sharing to much emotion, I don’t want to get to soft either, but the God has something in plan for me this year and what I’ve been getting in prayers is that I have to continue to seek the Lord in all things no matter what the case is. Yes the clock  is ticking, I’m not making the big bucks but right now its not about that.  I love my work.

FIGHTING TO SURVIVE

I feel like an  injured soldier in the battlefield. Broken, helpless, fighting to survive. Who knew that the last month of college would feel this way. Well at least for me it does. I’ve also been sick the last two weeks with the flu which has not been all that great. During this time I really did not sit back and reflect of how far I’ve come but also how much more I have to grow. In faith, in my work, life experiences, relationships, etc.  This is the point where as a college student, the point is to keep your eye on the ball, my eyes are kinda crossing and I have no idea where the ball went. Their was something I said to my roommate today regarding what I’ve gotten out of my University experience. We spoke about how we were both called here, I knew that I was called to this University for a reason. To be honest though, with that thought in my mind and one month away from Graduation, I feel that has not been answered. Yes I can name a ton of things that I did not enjoy and I can name things that I failed in and worked hard on to get back up. So I reflected on this and I don’t want to graduate with unanswered questions. I”m not even sure if God does that purposely or not. I’m really not sure, it’s a little overwhelming. At the same time the other battle that I came across was How little control I have of what I will be doing in the next month or so after graduation. I have this desire to serve, to do something in the lines of becoming a missionary again in some way. I feel that I’ve lost some of that while I’ve been in college. I don’t know if it was because I was working so much, the lack of leadership, or the fact that I’m burn out from doing all or most activities at school. I’m surprised that I’m surrounded my a good crowd of Catholics, yet most of them are afraid to take on a leadership role, I might be wrong. God called each and every one of us to JPCU for a reason. Again, I’m still trying to figure out why. I mean, I fell in love with the mission right from the start. The video hooked me in, but the question that continues to build in my heart is, can someone lose a part of their catholic identity at a Catholic University. Or is it my fault. I know I have my personal prayer to rely on, but community also plays a big part of that.

So. What next, Alive Again, its Friday, my bank account is at ZERO. I’m 27 and fighting to hold on to God and continuing to accept the graces God  has in the works for me. I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. I’ve been still, have not left my apartment at all. I’ve been in the same clothing for two days, i’m listening to Matt Redman “Nothing but the Blood” It’s 3:00am. I pray that God may continue to show me the path or righteousness. The path or reconciliation. The path to be a Man of God. The path to be one with God and to be Man after God’s own heart.

Dear Lord I pray that you may reign in my heart. I pray that your everlasting glory may overturn the darkness in my heart. That your glory may shine the brightest light even in the most darkest off all places. May your peace come upon me and peace come to those I come in contact with. May I be faithful, patient, loving, kind, forgiving. May I be reminded of your death for me. You are the all-powerful, pour out your graces over me. Amen

The Job Hunt ” The College Feeling”

I finally know the feeling. 38 day till graduation, the choir begins to sing the last little song, what next? Find a Freaking Job.  What to do, what to do. Well what I’ve experienced so far is students freaking out about what they are going to do once the graduate. Some of them have no idea. I on the other hand, have no idea. The plan is set, I mean I know what I would like to do, I’m I passionate about it? I would like to be. But that feeling, let me describe it to you. It’s a little bit of anxiety, nervousness, non-stop thinking, your mind stays up 24/7 at times and you just keep searching. It’s really important not to get discouraged, I’ve applied for more than 24 jobs already and have only heard back from two. Now that’s nothing to get discouraged about  right? Oh man, it’s a lot to take in. You try to loose hope, but I think one of the advantages I have is that I’m older, well actually it can also be a disadvantage. I think that’s one of the things I fear most about going into the film industry, going in as older person and by older I mean 27 and still learning the tricks of the game. I really don’t know if that’s an advantage or not.

What do I do with that. Where do I really go from there. I guess some words of encouragement for those college students going in or coming out. Make the most of your last year of college. Apply yourself at every moment no matter what people say or what people might not see you doing. If anything, share those experiences  with your classmates, give back to them. Positive or negative, I think their is something their to really learn from. I’m surrounded by a lot of young men and woman who look for direction and I truly feel called to share what I’ve learned not only in school but through out my many chapters in life. I have another post I want to talk about, vocation. Sweet.

FADING OUT….Starting the new Chapter

Have you ever felt like you were fading out in some way. When all the work you have done and all the trials and challenges you fought for don’t mean anything anymore. How exactly do deal with that? Do you continue to pull forward without direction or do you allow for the piling of chains. It’s not exactly what I should be thinking of, since the end of the race is only 45 days away.   The light at the end of the tunnel is just right there but I have to continue to  “Under Promise, Over Deliver”  It’s the phrase of the year for me. For some reason I have not gotten it right. Let me step back for a bit, God continues to work. He’s plugging away in my life. God has plans that I don’t quite understand. He fakes you out some times, you think you got the job and like that its taken from under you. Then its back to the drawing board, its back to the chapel, its back to asking for God’s graces. But really Gods graces continue to be there, the only difference is that I’ve turned my back on him . Not intentionally, I let my distractions, my business, my temptations, my weakness get in the way. Just then, when you think if you have some kind of attention, you feel your back on top, you are replaced, communication is cut off, you start doing your own thing, people stop responding to you, your numb, not awake, its me in a chapel playing a guitar, praying that someone wont mind me singing praises to God.

Sorry that my Fading Out post is all over the place, these are just all the thoughts that have been parading around my mind in the last week. At the same time, God continues to something greater, what is it? I have no clue. Ministry, Film, Production, New Media, Camp, Music. “Under Promise, Over Deliver” Alright, well it seems I got to the end of my writing thoughts. I have 45 days to find a job.