LIFE AS I KNOW IT

30 and Enjoying Life

Category: New Media

FIGHTING TO SURVIVE

I feel like an  injured soldier in the battlefield. Broken, helpless, fighting to survive. Who knew that the last month of college would feel this way. Well at least for me it does. I’ve also been sick the last two weeks with the flu which has not been all that great. During this time I really did not sit back and reflect of how far I’ve come but also how much more I have to grow. In faith, in my work, life experiences, relationships, etc.  This is the point where as a college student, the point is to keep your eye on the ball, my eyes are kinda crossing and I have no idea where the ball went. Their was something I said to my roommate today regarding what I’ve gotten out of my University experience. We spoke about how we were both called here, I knew that I was called to this University for a reason. To be honest though, with that thought in my mind and one month away from Graduation, I feel that has not been answered. Yes I can name a ton of things that I did not enjoy and I can name things that I failed in and worked hard on to get back up. So I reflected on this and I don’t want to graduate with unanswered questions. I”m not even sure if God does that purposely or not. I’m really not sure, it’s a little overwhelming. At the same time the other battle that I came across was How little control I have of what I will be doing in the next month or so after graduation. I have this desire to serve, to do something in the lines of becoming a missionary again in some way. I feel that I’ve lost some of that while I’ve been in college. I don’t know if it was because I was working so much, the lack of leadership, or the fact that I’m burn out from doing all or most activities at school. I’m surprised that I’m surrounded my a good crowd of Catholics, yet most of them are afraid to take on a leadership role, I might be wrong. God called each and every one of us to JPCU for a reason. Again, I’m still trying to figure out why. I mean, I fell in love with the mission right from the start. The video hooked me in, but the question that continues to build in my heart is, can someone lose a part of their catholic identity at a Catholic University. Or is it my fault. I know I have my personal prayer to rely on, but community also plays a big part of that.

So. What next, Alive Again, its Friday, my bank account is at ZERO. I’m 27 and fighting to hold on to God and continuing to accept the graces God  has in the works for me. I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. I’ve been still, have not left my apartment at all. I’ve been in the same clothing for two days, i’m listening to Matt Redman “Nothing but the Blood” It’s 3:00am. I pray that God may continue to show me the path or righteousness. The path or reconciliation. The path to be a Man of God. The path to be one with God and to be Man after God’s own heart.

Dear Lord I pray that you may reign in my heart. I pray that your everlasting glory may overturn the darkness in my heart. That your glory may shine the brightest light even in the most darkest off all places. May your peace come upon me and peace come to those I come in contact with. May I be faithful, patient, loving, kind, forgiving. May I be reminded of your death for me. You are the all-powerful, pour out your graces over me. Amen

FADING OUT….Starting the new Chapter

Have you ever felt like you were fading out in some way. When all the work you have done and all the trials and challenges you fought for don’t mean anything anymore. How exactly do deal with that? Do you continue to pull forward without direction or do you allow for the piling of chains. It’s not exactly what I should be thinking of, since the end of the race is only 45 days away.   The light at the end of the tunnel is just right there but I have to continue to  “Under Promise, Over Deliver”  It’s the phrase of the year for me. For some reason I have not gotten it right. Let me step back for a bit, God continues to work. He’s plugging away in my life. God has plans that I don’t quite understand. He fakes you out some times, you think you got the job and like that its taken from under you. Then its back to the drawing board, its back to the chapel, its back to asking for God’s graces. But really Gods graces continue to be there, the only difference is that I’ve turned my back on him . Not intentionally, I let my distractions, my business, my temptations, my weakness get in the way. Just then, when you think if you have some kind of attention, you feel your back on top, you are replaced, communication is cut off, you start doing your own thing, people stop responding to you, your numb, not awake, its me in a chapel playing a guitar, praying that someone wont mind me singing praises to God.

Sorry that my Fading Out post is all over the place, these are just all the thoughts that have been parading around my mind in the last week. At the same time, God continues to something greater, what is it? I have no clue. Ministry, Film, Production, New Media, Camp, Music. “Under Promise, Over Deliver” Alright, well it seems I got to the end of my writing thoughts. I have 45 days to find a job.

 

Dont Stop Believing

Well I’ve noticed a trend. I either blog at the beginning of the month or towards end, and sometimes both. I don’t what is about blogging, I like it, I don’t love it, yet. But it’s good get my thoughts out on a blog rather than a journal I guess.

The AFLO update

What have I been up to? As of now I’m still working on my senior thesis film “Short Film” It’s a story about young man who struggles to love his alcoholic father. It’s intense.   The process –  Well I’ve had about two quarters to develop this story, let me back up. I had another story called “Crossfire” turned out, I hated it. All the feedback I was receiving was negative and I agreed. It was not me as a storyteller. That’s one thing I’ve learned in the process of creating a story, YOU HAVE TO A GOOD ONE. A long with that, you have to be able to tell a story that you can direct, that relates to you and your audience. The cool thing is, our professor has been able to tell us what type of Director we are, I’m the good heart Director. Sounds cheesy but you have to take that and run with.

It’s something that I have not  payed attention to while  Directing  projects that I’ve done so far. I’m the kind of person that tried to do everything on my own, which never works. Although, sometimes it does work. Whatever. So where I”m now in my production stage, well I tried to be ambitious, no bueno. So I’ve recruited a crew, a good one I hope, met with my Gaffer, Have not locked down a DP, but the opportunity to work with the RED Camera is a possibility. Again, going back to story, Every DP that I’ve sent my story to, likes it, but have concerns. Like the Scogdog say’s “YOU HAVE A PROBLEM” I’m trying to fix it now. So hopefully, not only will I have a sweet crew and cast, I’ll have an awesome short, I just have to Deliver, which I here a lot from our president at JPCatholic “Under Promise” and “Over Deliver” I think that’s how it goes.

So I’m very confident about Directing this final short. What sucks is that everybody else is in post and I have not filmed yet. The goal was again, to cast, film and shoot in one day. Man oh Man what was I thinking. Anyway, enought about the short, I’ll update that next time.  The Process is great though, I’ve met so many people in the last three days, very talented people.

What’s Up With School? I thought you were done.

No not quite. The way I see it, I have two months left. I can’t believe how fast these last three years have gone by. It’s seriously a trip. I’m blown away of how much material I’ve come across and how much yet I have to learn after that. I’m 27 now and I start to think about that question while your high school, Where do you see yourself 1o years from now? Uh graduating College! Wow.  It’s amazing how things work out and how God begins to put things into place. At the same time, as an individual I continue to give as much I can.  I graduated High School, Did 2 years of Missionary Workd, 2 years of Community College, 1 years in AZ, and 3 years now in San Diego. That’s a large building block. At some points I still remember crumbling to the ground and rising back up. That’s the journey I’ve been on these last three years. Fighting to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and last try my hardest to fulfill my educational goal.

I’m not the brightest kid in class, I would say I struggle the most. But having to balance school and work is still difficult and on top that build faith filled community. Overall though, this is my life, this is what I long for. These are the challenges that I will commit to and do whatever I can to seek strength and joy in everything I do. I love film making, have I given 100%, no, I wish could but I don’t have the time, I love building college community, I wish I had the time, I love doing homework, (yea right, I hate doing homework) I love growing spiritually, but I have yet to continue to give myself totally to Christ.

Man oh man how long the journey continues to be. To bring it all together now. I’m looking forward to graduation. I cant wait to be finished to stand their at the podium and really enjoy the moment. To take in all the hard work I’ve put in these last couple years. To enjoy the moment for my family who sacrificed so much to help pay for my school, to the point of putting the house up just to  finish paying for my tuition. For all the sacrifices I’ve done and the friends who have been their to support me through good and bad. What a blessing. So anyway, that’s all I have for this round of a blog. Not much, again pieces of thoughts in my head. God Bless.

Adrian

Miles Christi Retreat Experience

Offering of Self

Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me: I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more.

St. Ignatius Loyola

The greatest thing about God is that he  always find a way to remind us of his love for us. Even at our lowest moments, he prepares our hearts and waits for us to say yes. It’s amazing how easy that sounds. Take this though, try being silent for three days and saying, God, show me your love. This is what I searched for this past weekend, a stronger relationship with God, one that I know I have and have had before. One thought I came across was the reality of how much I have pushed God away. We might not always see it that way, but when we refuse to not pray or attend mass or even lead others closer to him, man oh man are we missing the big picture. So I was glad to be on this retreat because  the life I was living was straying me away from God’s awesome glory

I believe at some point every college student experiences this. At one point, I guess you can say you hit rock bottom spiritually. The hard part about that is you then realize, the only way I could ever reunite myself is through the sacraments and a daily commitment to the Lord.  I  can remember when I use to be scared of the word commitment, I hated the word and I would be so fearful of the outcome.  After this weekend though,  I was again reminded that in order to commit to Christ fully, you have to give of yourself fully. It was all in or nothing. There was no turning back, just one Goal, Heaven.

It’s hard to write this because yet again I am reminding myself of the primary goal. Getting back to the retreat, the priest of Miles Christi are humble, virtue’s, intelligent, and full of Mary’s Grace. They really allow the Holy Spirit to speak through them. It was an intense weekend none the less. We began our day with a wake up call at 6:45 in the morning, prayer at 7:15 and breakfast at 7:30 than a prayer of thanksgiving in the chapel, It was non-stop. Something I shared with the priest was that I never thought prayer could tire me out so much. They responded with the reason why the retreat is called Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatious, we literally exercised spiritually non-stop for three days. I was blown away of how fruitful, yet the intensity of it all. It was freaking hard. I’ve never been so challenged in my life.

In all, I recommend this retreat for anyone who is searching for a spiritual re-boot or an opportunity to reunite with God in his love. I could not help but laugh and smile after leaving. I left with a ton of joy and an entire list of new resolutions. I’m looking forward to continuing this change for the better. I’ve come a long way in my life and now their really isn’t any turning back. Again like I said earlier, you either give yourself totally to God or not at all.

In Christ

Adrian

Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?

It’s five minutes to four “in the morning”. Now  most of the time I am a pretty relaxed guy. I like having a good time, I enjoy hanging out with friends and I really try to surround myself with people who not only respect me but truly have some sort of common sense. But not this morning or the weeks before or ever. I just woke up, yet again, to another night of annoying television, negative conversations, and who knows what else happens beyond my room door at this hour. With all said in done, this is a challenge that I think as a college student is not only faced by me. I’m trying to think of how many Catholic College students their are out there who struggle with surrounding themselves with positive people who truly seeks God’s graces and not the devils temptation. Currently my heart is so filled with anger because I cant stop to think of how much my roommate’s negativity is affecting. I had to immediately get my prayer book and start praying, its like I was being challenged or something  and I could not help but to pray for my roommate who is blinded by his own fears and anger that he does not see what is truly beyond him. I mean, not to talk bad about my roommate, i’ve been guilty of this too, but I continue to focus on changing myself and seeking God’s plan for me.

I’m trying to figure out,  why, immediately my brain begins to rack up thoughts of negativity and anger. I soon realized that’s just Satin knocking at my door, saying……keep it coming, as long as I keep you from praying keep those thoughts coming. Wow…….run the other way right. I think that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. Lord keep me positive.

If your a soon to be college student, if you attend a Catholic Univeristy, BE READY. Temptation is going to be right in front of you. Opportunities to sin are going to be brought to your attention. Theirs gonna be people that are going to lead you astray at some points. Dont get consumed by the lifestyle, because at the end of that road only leads to darkness and loneliness. Trust me, I’ve been there so many times and I continue to see it to happen to others.

I ask Lord, lend me your eyes, your spirit to pursue you in every way possible. Be my light in the darkest hours of the night and in my trials. Help me to understand every weakness I have so that I may overcome them with you. Pierce my heart with stregth and motivation to follow you.

Its’ important to keep your eye on the ball. No matter what college your at. For me, I have two weeks till the spring quarter is over and two quarters till graduation. It’s not worth failing now.