LIFE AS I KNOW IT

30 and Enjoying Life

Category: college

The Final Disicion

The final disicion. Do you ever think About how many tricks your mind plays on you? The different emotions that interfere with what exactly you want to do in your life. Why is it that I often think about if what I knew now, can I go back in time and restate, do it all over again, the.right way. I see all the young faces around me and I can’t help but to share the dos and do nots about life, only my experiences of course. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’m I making the right discision’s? Is this where im suppose to be? I’ll leave it at that. God bless

Looking Up

Amazing. My trip has been just that. I’ve met some interesting people, interacted with a beautiful family with all different personalities with one thing in common “House of Love” I’ve been happy and joyful, reflecting on how much God has brought to light in my heart and my life. I still stop and think, God, what direction are really taking me in. I know i’m still on that journey to figuring that out, and I can finally say, I’m ok with that. Just yesterday, I walked off the train and walked to smack center of Grand Central Station, if only you were able to see the smile on my face. Yes, the entire place was busy, but my mind and heart were in totally in a different element. I felt at peace and joy filled. To experience the beauty in my surrounding. I stood there for a while, then I followed the music, violins. I walked towards them and found two beautiful Irish gals, they finished the last song they were on and rested their fingers for one more set and continued on to play “You Raise me Up” Probably one of the best covers I’ve ever heard. I was moved and inspired, they rocked it. I figured after that I continued my journey to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Immediately the streets became loud. People walking non-stop to the next destination, work, food, shopping, the city really did not sleep. My ears would not stop ringing, all of sudden I was in a pit of noise from every direction. So I finally made it to St. Patrick’s, as I entered, the noise immediately disappeared. I was in awe of its beauty, I sat in front of our Lord for about an hour, went to mass followed by confession, it was beautiful.

It was great just to be silent, share with the Lord what was going on in my heart and he took care of the rest. My trust was totally in him at that time and moment. I kinda took a nap for a little while but felt very peaceful when I woke up. That’s really though when hit me. God loves me so much, loves us so much, that all I have to do is come before him and rest. Like seriously that is all it takes, coming before him, yea I went to see the rest of NY, time square, central park, museums, their was something about being at St. Patrick’s calling me to just sit there. I think in all I spend about 3 hours there, just enjoying the presence of the Lord and praying for the people who had no clue as to what they were walking into. I mean, people were taking pictures during mass, walking a long side of me, it was a disaster. I just prayed that the Holy Spirit would bless them in some way. Anyway, this is just a glimpse of the trip. I hope to continue to blog. I need too.

BACK TO TRAINING!

It has been nearly 10 years since I’ve attended any type of  intense “Spiritual Training” only this time I’m not the one hitting the road. With over 114 missionaries recruited from  Australia, England, and all across the United States, today begins the second week of NET TRAINING. What does this training look like… Prayer 7:30am Mass 8:15am Breakfast – MAN PRAISE -(thought I throw that in there) Men’s Session, Womens Sessions, and some intense talks focusing on our personal relationships with the Lord. This is just a glimpse and man has the Lord been working in the lives of these young people, including myself. Again, the last time I attended NET Training I was just a typical 18 year old kid, as they called me back in the day. Only this time I’m on staff, leading small group, sharing my personal testimony, leading worship. God has truly placed me here to serve once again. Yes it’s hard at times but that is part of the growth, I’m still trying to figure it out, as one of my supervisors says, “Conversion is a on going process” something I continue to remind myself and to know personally that if I fall short I can still count on the Lord and my brothers and sisters to get me up and going (yes, I still struggle with this) But can I say how amazing the last two weeks have been, yes stressful at times but man oh man the Lord is kicking my butt!

I don’t want to make this post to long, overall, the Lord continues to reveal things in my life that I have nothing on. I have to rely on the Lord and let him work in my heart. I know.. I know this is really mushy mushy and I don’t like sharing to much emotion, I don’t want to get to soft either, but the God has something in plan for me this year and what I’ve been getting in prayers is that I have to continue to seek the Lord in all things no matter what the case is. Yes the clock  is ticking, I’m not making the big bucks but right now its not about that.  I love my work.

1 MONTH AND 2 WEEKS AFTER GRADUATION

Well what exactly can I say, I finally did it! Graduated from college at the good ole age of 27 with a BS in Communications. But still a month afterwards I continue to question if  got my money’s worth? I would say, not really. Although, Was I transformed as a person? Yes. Was my faith challenged? Yes. The finish line was never easy. From expulsions, to fired staff, loss of scholarships, these were just some of the trials myself and others faced during our time at John Paul the Great Catholic University.  It was not the typical college experience, we had mass everyday, confession twice a week, adoration every other Thursday, community life that was okay, it was a long three years and half. Some people still ask why I attended JPCatholic, most of the time I did not have answer. I knew though in my heart that I was suppose to be there.  Many times, I did not want to give of myself because I had already given to much to the point of being burnt out and yet I was expected at times to give more. But to be honest, as much as I struggled being there, God continued to work in my life.

The tears, the sweat, the late nights, and who can forget the endless pizza dinners. But you know, God was present in every person, whether they had strayed away at some points or praying in the chapel for some miracle, Gods love was there, guiding each and everyone one of us. For that, I am grateful. The opportunities to grow were endless. And now as I continue looking back at my experience at JPCatholic, it was challenging yet rewarding.

Fast forward to graduation. Actually, let me back up three days before. In brief, I was an emotional wreck. A chapter was ending and a new one was about to begin. I cried at the last student mass. I couldn’t look at students with out tearing up, my heart continued to beat faster each day. Once graduation arrived and I walked up to receive my diploma, the tears began to flow. The speeches were incredible and memorable. We were all challenged to become the light in the darkness. A graduation ceremony I will never forget and with that said, I am proud to be part of the first graduating class at John Paul the Great Catholic University. The Lord has great plans for that University, it will be the Catholic destination of the future.

10 DAYS TILL GRADUATION

So what do I think. Other than having the bad case of senioritis, I can’t believe that graduation is finally here. I really don’t care at this point. Yes, I know it’s sad that I don’t care, I just want to get out of here and graduation. On a funny note, they gave us our cap and gown and I for some reason I knew instantly that my gown was not going to fit. So I tried it on just in case, lets put it this way, have you ever tried to put on jeans, you suck in your stomach and squeeze tight enough to make it fit, well that’s not exactly how it happened but it could have. I was inches of closing the zipper. Other than everyone here is pretty much done, well the seniors. We have a three finals left and that’s it. Mass next Friday and Graduation Saturday. Oh man, just thinking about it I just want to run around the room! It’s AMAZING! Now if I can get a job, that would be great. So I’m gonna keep this short, I’m stoked, ready to go, living out of a suitcase for the next two weeks. Peace Out!

FIGHTING TO SURVIVE

I feel like an  injured soldier in the battlefield. Broken, helpless, fighting to survive. Who knew that the last month of college would feel this way. Well at least for me it does. I’ve also been sick the last two weeks with the flu which has not been all that great. During this time I really did not sit back and reflect of how far I’ve come but also how much more I have to grow. In faith, in my work, life experiences, relationships, etc.  This is the point where as a college student, the point is to keep your eye on the ball, my eyes are kinda crossing and I have no idea where the ball went. Their was something I said to my roommate today regarding what I’ve gotten out of my University experience. We spoke about how we were both called here, I knew that I was called to this University for a reason. To be honest though, with that thought in my mind and one month away from Graduation, I feel that has not been answered. Yes I can name a ton of things that I did not enjoy and I can name things that I failed in and worked hard on to get back up. So I reflected on this and I don’t want to graduate with unanswered questions. I”m not even sure if God does that purposely or not. I’m really not sure, it’s a little overwhelming. At the same time the other battle that I came across was How little control I have of what I will be doing in the next month or so after graduation. I have this desire to serve, to do something in the lines of becoming a missionary again in some way. I feel that I’ve lost some of that while I’ve been in college. I don’t know if it was because I was working so much, the lack of leadership, or the fact that I’m burn out from doing all or most activities at school. I’m surprised that I’m surrounded my a good crowd of Catholics, yet most of them are afraid to take on a leadership role, I might be wrong. God called each and every one of us to JPCU for a reason. Again, I’m still trying to figure out why. I mean, I fell in love with the mission right from the start. The video hooked me in, but the question that continues to build in my heart is, can someone lose a part of their catholic identity at a Catholic University. Or is it my fault. I know I have my personal prayer to rely on, but community also plays a big part of that.

So. What next, Alive Again, its Friday, my bank account is at ZERO. I’m 27 and fighting to hold on to God and continuing to accept the graces God  has in the works for me. I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. I’ve been still, have not left my apartment at all. I’ve been in the same clothing for two days, i’m listening to Matt Redman “Nothing but the Blood” It’s 3:00am. I pray that God may continue to show me the path or righteousness. The path or reconciliation. The path to be a Man of God. The path to be one with God and to be Man after God’s own heart.

Dear Lord I pray that you may reign in my heart. I pray that your everlasting glory may overturn the darkness in my heart. That your glory may shine the brightest light even in the most darkest off all places. May your peace come upon me and peace come to those I come in contact with. May I be faithful, patient, loving, kind, forgiving. May I be reminded of your death for me. You are the all-powerful, pour out your graces over me. Amen

The Job Hunt ” The College Feeling”

I finally know the feeling. 38 day till graduation, the choir begins to sing the last little song, what next? Find a Freaking Job.  What to do, what to do. Well what I’ve experienced so far is students freaking out about what they are going to do once the graduate. Some of them have no idea. I on the other hand, have no idea. The plan is set, I mean I know what I would like to do, I’m I passionate about it? I would like to be. But that feeling, let me describe it to you. It’s a little bit of anxiety, nervousness, non-stop thinking, your mind stays up 24/7 at times and you just keep searching. It’s really important not to get discouraged, I’ve applied for more than 24 jobs already and have only heard back from two. Now that’s nothing to get discouraged about  right? Oh man, it’s a lot to take in. You try to loose hope, but I think one of the advantages I have is that I’m older, well actually it can also be a disadvantage. I think that’s one of the things I fear most about going into the film industry, going in as older person and by older I mean 27 and still learning the tricks of the game. I really don’t know if that’s an advantage or not.

What do I do with that. Where do I really go from there. I guess some words of encouragement for those college students going in or coming out. Make the most of your last year of college. Apply yourself at every moment no matter what people say or what people might not see you doing. If anything, share those experiences  with your classmates, give back to them. Positive or negative, I think their is something their to really learn from. I’m surrounded by a lot of young men and woman who look for direction and I truly feel called to share what I’ve learned not only in school but through out my many chapters in life. I have another post I want to talk about, vocation. Sweet.

FADING OUT….Starting the new Chapter

Have you ever felt like you were fading out in some way. When all the work you have done and all the trials and challenges you fought for don’t mean anything anymore. How exactly do deal with that? Do you continue to pull forward without direction or do you allow for the piling of chains. It’s not exactly what I should be thinking of, since the end of the race is only 45 days away.   The light at the end of the tunnel is just right there but I have to continue to  “Under Promise, Over Deliver”  It’s the phrase of the year for me. For some reason I have not gotten it right. Let me step back for a bit, God continues to work. He’s plugging away in my life. God has plans that I don’t quite understand. He fakes you out some times, you think you got the job and like that its taken from under you. Then its back to the drawing board, its back to the chapel, its back to asking for God’s graces. But really Gods graces continue to be there, the only difference is that I’ve turned my back on him . Not intentionally, I let my distractions, my business, my temptations, my weakness get in the way. Just then, when you think if you have some kind of attention, you feel your back on top, you are replaced, communication is cut off, you start doing your own thing, people stop responding to you, your numb, not awake, its me in a chapel playing a guitar, praying that someone wont mind me singing praises to God.

Sorry that my Fading Out post is all over the place, these are just all the thoughts that have been parading around my mind in the last week. At the same time, God continues to something greater, what is it? I have no clue. Ministry, Film, Production, New Media, Camp, Music. “Under Promise, Over Deliver” Alright, well it seems I got to the end of my writing thoughts. I have 45 days to find a job.

 

Dont Stop Believing

Well I’ve noticed a trend. I either blog at the beginning of the month or towards end, and sometimes both. I don’t what is about blogging, I like it, I don’t love it, yet. But it’s good get my thoughts out on a blog rather than a journal I guess.

The AFLO update

What have I been up to? As of now I’m still working on my senior thesis film “Short Film” It’s a story about young man who struggles to love his alcoholic father. It’s intense.   The process –  Well I’ve had about two quarters to develop this story, let me back up. I had another story called “Crossfire” turned out, I hated it. All the feedback I was receiving was negative and I agreed. It was not me as a storyteller. That’s one thing I’ve learned in the process of creating a story, YOU HAVE TO A GOOD ONE. A long with that, you have to be able to tell a story that you can direct, that relates to you and your audience. The cool thing is, our professor has been able to tell us what type of Director we are, I’m the good heart Director. Sounds cheesy but you have to take that and run with.

It’s something that I have not  payed attention to while  Directing  projects that I’ve done so far. I’m the kind of person that tried to do everything on my own, which never works. Although, sometimes it does work. Whatever. So where I”m now in my production stage, well I tried to be ambitious, no bueno. So I’ve recruited a crew, a good one I hope, met with my Gaffer, Have not locked down a DP, but the opportunity to work with the RED Camera is a possibility. Again, going back to story, Every DP that I’ve sent my story to, likes it, but have concerns. Like the Scogdog say’s “YOU HAVE A PROBLEM” I’m trying to fix it now. So hopefully, not only will I have a sweet crew and cast, I’ll have an awesome short, I just have to Deliver, which I here a lot from our president at JPCatholic “Under Promise” and “Over Deliver” I think that’s how it goes.

So I’m very confident about Directing this final short. What sucks is that everybody else is in post and I have not filmed yet. The goal was again, to cast, film and shoot in one day. Man oh Man what was I thinking. Anyway, enought about the short, I’ll update that next time.  The Process is great though, I’ve met so many people in the last three days, very talented people.

What’s Up With School? I thought you were done.

No not quite. The way I see it, I have two months left. I can’t believe how fast these last three years have gone by. It’s seriously a trip. I’m blown away of how much material I’ve come across and how much yet I have to learn after that. I’m 27 now and I start to think about that question while your high school, Where do you see yourself 1o years from now? Uh graduating College! Wow.  It’s amazing how things work out and how God begins to put things into place. At the same time, as an individual I continue to give as much I can.  I graduated High School, Did 2 years of Missionary Workd, 2 years of Community College, 1 years in AZ, and 3 years now in San Diego. That’s a large building block. At some points I still remember crumbling to the ground and rising back up. That’s the journey I’ve been on these last three years. Fighting to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and last try my hardest to fulfill my educational goal.

I’m not the brightest kid in class, I would say I struggle the most. But having to balance school and work is still difficult and on top that build faith filled community. Overall though, this is my life, this is what I long for. These are the challenges that I will commit to and do whatever I can to seek strength and joy in everything I do. I love film making, have I given 100%, no, I wish could but I don’t have the time, I love building college community, I wish I had the time, I love doing homework, (yea right, I hate doing homework) I love growing spiritually, but I have yet to continue to give myself totally to Christ.

Man oh man how long the journey continues to be. To bring it all together now. I’m looking forward to graduation. I cant wait to be finished to stand their at the podium and really enjoy the moment. To take in all the hard work I’ve put in these last couple years. To enjoy the moment for my family who sacrificed so much to help pay for my school, to the point of putting the house up just to  finish paying for my tuition. For all the sacrifices I’ve done and the friends who have been their to support me through good and bad. What a blessing. So anyway, that’s all I have for this round of a blog. Not much, again pieces of thoughts in my head. God Bless.

Adrian

Miles Christi Retreat Experience

Offering of Self

Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me: I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more.

St. Ignatius Loyola

The greatest thing about God is that he  always find a way to remind us of his love for us. Even at our lowest moments, he prepares our hearts and waits for us to say yes. It’s amazing how easy that sounds. Take this though, try being silent for three days and saying, God, show me your love. This is what I searched for this past weekend, a stronger relationship with God, one that I know I have and have had before. One thought I came across was the reality of how much I have pushed God away. We might not always see it that way, but when we refuse to not pray or attend mass or even lead others closer to him, man oh man are we missing the big picture. So I was glad to be on this retreat because  the life I was living was straying me away from God’s awesome glory

I believe at some point every college student experiences this. At one point, I guess you can say you hit rock bottom spiritually. The hard part about that is you then realize, the only way I could ever reunite myself is through the sacraments and a daily commitment to the Lord.  I  can remember when I use to be scared of the word commitment, I hated the word and I would be so fearful of the outcome.  After this weekend though,  I was again reminded that in order to commit to Christ fully, you have to give of yourself fully. It was all in or nothing. There was no turning back, just one Goal, Heaven.

It’s hard to write this because yet again I am reminding myself of the primary goal. Getting back to the retreat, the priest of Miles Christi are humble, virtue’s, intelligent, and full of Mary’s Grace. They really allow the Holy Spirit to speak through them. It was an intense weekend none the less. We began our day with a wake up call at 6:45 in the morning, prayer at 7:15 and breakfast at 7:30 than a prayer of thanksgiving in the chapel, It was non-stop. Something I shared with the priest was that I never thought prayer could tire me out so much. They responded with the reason why the retreat is called Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatious, we literally exercised spiritually non-stop for three days. I was blown away of how fruitful, yet the intensity of it all. It was freaking hard. I’ve never been so challenged in my life.

In all, I recommend this retreat for anyone who is searching for a spiritual re-boot or an opportunity to reunite with God in his love. I could not help but laugh and smile after leaving. I left with a ton of joy and an entire list of new resolutions. I’m looking forward to continuing this change for the better. I’ve come a long way in my life and now their really isn’t any turning back. Again like I said earlier, you either give yourself totally to God or not at all.

In Christ

Adrian