LIFE AS I KNOW IT

30 and Enjoying Life

Un-purified Hearts

It’s been a while, nothing has really changed. The motion within my heart continues to stir as I climb the mountain, striving to cling and make my way to the top. I’m in motion, that is what counts. Which brings me to my post today. I recently went to confession and the priest finally said something that has been an on going theme and reflection for me this week and last week. He said “Continue the struggle, it is in the struggle that we continue to grow”

To be honest, I have not been able to shake it off, the phrase ever beating my chest and ripping me from the inside out. But i’ve continued to fight. I’ve continued to turn away and keep my mind at ease. My shoulders increase in tension but  my eyes on the goal, to be a man destined to pursue God even the in the lesser moments of defeat.  I have I mentioned in previous post that conversion is a long, long, I mean long process. If you haven’t figured it out for yourself, prepare, and I mean prepare yourself to be challenged and be prepared to face whatever it is you struggle with and prepare yourself to frequent the sacrament as often as possible. Why…because

God removes the sin of the one who makes humble confession, and thereby the devil loses the sovereignty he had gained over the human heart.

– Saint Bernard

Confession is a humbling experience and it is in the confessional that I find myself the most vulnerable. Nothing to hide but to put all before the confessor who listens patiently behind the screen. Then I kneel patiently waiting for him to recite the words.

God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace. I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

What a gift and what a reminder to become fully humbled before God the father. To be aware of our sinfulness and struggle. It is in that confessional that we, I ,  kneel and truly reunite my, our, un-purified hearts with Christ in order to make it pure once more. So my challenge to you today is to find time to go to confession. To not turn your back on the one who desire to make you great, to make you whole.

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Lost in Transition

It’s pretty late. My brain won’t stop thinking and I have to get up in 3.5 hours to get my ass to the gym. Now, what I’m writing about today. What do I need to vent, what do I need to process. Well for beginners, it’s been a little under a year since my last post and I seriously need to make it a point to write, I mean type, something every day. I must. I will.

Anyway, I guess I wanted to focus my thoughts on what it means to be the older brother. What is my role as an older brother, my responsibility. When do I push and when do I let go? This is very difficult for me because as an older brother, I see nothing but potential in every man I come across, sometimes it’s even my inner self looking at me and saying; Wow, that guy has so much potential, but he’s throwing it all away. If only he listened, if only he stepped up to the plate, if only. Seriously, wake up already.

As a brother, i’m going to protect you. I’m going to fight. I’m going to give 100% till have nothing left but often times if not many of the times, that little guy does not deliver. It’s failure after failure, disappointment after disappointment and finally it just comes to a complete stop, I hit a wall and their nowhere left to go. I”m completely blocked in from any voice I have left. Every time I have to say is now buried deep within the creases of the walls surrounding me. I’ve been blocked in and I stand waiting patiently for the next move, good or bad.

So what next, what is their left to do but to pray. To pray that everything will work out. Pray that the next time I give advice it  does not hit me upside the head and really hope that just something, if not one thing would just sink in.

 

To be continued. the first set of words are out but not the tiredness has finally hit me.

Here We Go

My brain has been in a little bit of a whirlwind lately. Non-stop thoughts of what this year could look like. As I learn to surrender, I have to continue to remind to live each and everyday to the fullest. To stay focused and to keep my eye on the ball and my faith in God. This january will mark five years living in Saint Paul. I still can’t believe how fast or slow it has gone. So many great relationships, friends, and families that have truly become a blessing in my life. It will be hard to say goodbye to this place when the time comes that I leave or God implements a greater plan for me. One of the things I’m slowly learning is that it can be so easy to get caught up on the thought of, Oh I”m in my 30’s and its to late, I can’t change careers now, change paths, I’m sure i’m not the only 32 year old who thinks that, but isn’t that what its all about, going into to the unknown, following your dreams and continuing to pursue them, failing or not. I think I know what I need to do this year and its going to require a lot of change. So with this quick thought, I ask you for your prayers, thoughts, and I pray for a clear path, a clear direction to follow. Let’s roll. 

How Real Are You

I think about this often especially with the different Interactions I have and those who I come across. For the most I feel I can sense a fake a long mile away, if I don’t like you you’ll probably pick up on that by the end of the day if not by however more distant I become from that person. I know, it’s pretty selfish and self centered but if I font like you I’m not going to pretend everything is a go. But what I take from this is something much bigger, something I have to really work on, I’m not being true to myself and to who God is calling me to be. Side thought, don’t you hate when people whisper three feet away from you, you know they are talking crap, but seriously tell like it is, stop being fake. Alright that’s two things I have to work on, I can be a jerk.

So this blog post has really become another rant, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I need to tighten up the loose ends, sand down the rough edges I still gave to work on and allow myself to let others be themselves even though it comes across as being really fake.

So brings me back to my title, how real are you? How real are you with people around you?

Life Can always FLIP.

The last couple of days have not been the easiest of days. It’s that helpless feeling where I should be home with my family during hard times. I think to myself, why does God do what he does, place struggles in our lives and knock me out like a heavy weight boxer, one day I’m up and ready, the next I’m on the floor with a blank stare.  I wish I can be a little more honest and type what I’m really feeling but it’s to confidential and all I have right now is the opportunity to surrender to God and say, “Here I am. What do I. How do I contain my emotion? Help me be a bigger MAN in this moment of struggle.” My life has just been flipped, now what. I pray. I listen. I stand still. I take a breath and look and Jesus straight in the eye. I will. This is your will. I’m not alone. I will. I will. I will. So, Lord, you’ve flipped my life around once again and I thank for giving me the words I need in order to be the MAN my family needs right now. Lord give the confidence to be that MAN. LORD grant me the peace of heart to do your WILL. Help me to love unconditionally. Help me to know you more.

Being Served

So I just had knee surgery on Wednesday for a torn ACL, thank you flag football for that, 30 years without any injuries and here I am with my very first surgery, the nurses were actually impressed. I’m little pain, thank you Jesus for that and thank you to all my family and friends for prayers and support. So as I’m laying here on my back, I was reflecting on my day earlier and I was a little frustrated myself, I’m the kind of man who is willing to step up to the plate, willing to take charge, a man who is willing to serve anyone and everyone. You probably noticed where I’m going with this and it’s tough. I’m realizing how hard it’s going to be for me to be served and ask to be helped. As my good friend who cooked me an amazing dinner tonight said, hey you do a lot, this is your time to be served, something like that. I mean wow, I’ve being humbled and its only the second day, only a couple days into Easter. I guess you can say this is my opportunity to rise up with Christ and reflect even more so on his passion and resurrection. I’m in pain, not as much as he was. He picked up his cross, I have to pick up my weight and make sure I don’t fall. He fell three times, I sit and think of his perseverance. So as I continue to recover, not only am I humbled by a God who loves me but who sacrificed his son, I’m humbled by Christ and by my family and friends who have stepped up to help me in these next couple of weeks. It’s going to be difficult, seriously it is. My manliness is going to be tested, but I’m up for receiving and allowing The Lord to work in my life always but especially in next several weeks and months as I recover. That’s all for now. God Bless

Discipline

Just like every other blog ive posted, I wait several months to update Life as I know it and realize its been way to long. So here we go, time to write. For those who follow me, God Bless you.

I took some time this morning to reflect, it wasn’t a long reflection but just long enough to slap me across the face or even more so for God to say, “wake up dude” (Cuz Jeaus is a surfer) and all it took was him to say was discipline. For the last two nights I’ve had the honor to stay with two youth ministers and a music teacher, each night they gather as men and pray night prayer. What I appreciate is that these men are in their mid to late twenties. It gave me great joy to pray with them, to kneel and offer the sins and thoughts of the the day to my Lord. It reminded me of still the high amount of discipline it takes to pursue The Lord, to be in relationship with him and so far I’ve been reminded of this ever since the election Pope Francis especially when he highlights forgiveness. It’s not that he’s left us but we’ve, I have stopped seeking him. I sat in Adoration for an hour yesterday and yet again I was reminded of how present God is in my life everyday. The thought that he died for me and All I have to do is come back to him and sit before him and be still. Nothing more and nothing less. Yea I can read 100 books on the life of Jesus but none it matters if I’m not speaking with God personally. So that’s all for now. I’m sitting outside of a Starbucks with the sun hitting my face. I’ve never worn green shorts before so I thought I give those a shot. That’s the most hipster I will ever get. Ha. Peace for now. See you in a couple weeks.

Priceless

Today and really over this weekend I was reminded of how precious life is. One could only imagine how many human beings live long enough to say, you know, I woke up today and I lived my day to its fullest. Sometimes I sit at my desk and stare at the screen for endless of hours, I sit there and wonder, is this where I am suppose to be, is this was makes me happy, but more important than that, I’m giving my all, I”m using my gifts and talents to the fullest potential, or I’m just throwing it all away. I continue to realize how much of a sinner I really I’m. I realize how much I have to rely on Gods grace. I don’t have much to say other than, life, its worth something, and it shouldn’t be thrown away. 

Checked Out

Sometimes I can’t think straight. My mind so overwhelmed by work and having no one to talk to really sucks. I feel like nobody gets me nobody understands me, people listen, but that’s all I get is a listening ear, I wish I had someone outside my house I can relate to , but I can’t think of anyone exactly. Each person facing their inner sin, I walk into a room and all I get is silence. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve separated myself, I’m not better than any of these men, I still continue to seek truth in the Lord and the people I speak to but here in this house, I’m alone. I know that if I open up about this Ill get no real answer, just a blank stare, nothing to reflect on, no wisdom to rely on, my heart sinks, it’s heavy.

Exploring my Options

A lot has been placed on my mind lately. Work. School. Work. Pursuing my dream job at age 30. I was asked the other day, what do you want to do with your life. To be honest, I thought I would figure out what I wanted to do while being away from California for two years, with the beginning of Lent, and so like my life, I’ve entered the desert facing temptations and at times my own blindness. So what does have to with what I just started with. I have no answer really, I’ve been searching, I’ve been reading every blog post topic I can find on pursuing my dream job at age 30, I’ve come across view points from a females perspective but what about a males perspective, what does that look like. Do I or should I just write my own and launch  something for people in my shoes to follow. This is how I’ve decided to start my lenten journey/prayer.   Do I just pack up and leave and explore what my options are. I have little money, no commitments, I’ll be 30 in 4 months, do I hit the road July 1, my birthday. I really don’t know, but I do know that my heart is stirring right now, maybe because I’m listening to the new coldplay album. Who knows really. But if you or whoever is reading or if anyone reads this, have any suggestions, feel free to shoot me a message. Be on the look out for my plan of attack.