So what do I think. Other than having the bad case of senioritis, I can’t believe that graduation is finally here. I really don’t care at this point. Yes, I know it’s sad that I don’t care, I just want to get out of here and graduation. On a funny note, they gave us our cap and gown and I for some reason I knew instantly that my gown was not going to fit. So I tried it on just in case, lets put it this way, have you ever tried to put on jeans, you suck in your stomach and squeeze tight enough to make it fit, well that’s not exactly how it happened but it could have. I was inches of closing the zipper. Other than everyone here is pretty much done, well the seniors. We have a three finals left and that’s it. Mass next Friday and Graduation Saturday. Oh man, just thinking about it I just want to run around the room! It’s AMAZING! Now if I can get a job, that would be great. So I’m gonna keep this short, I’m stoked, ready to go, living out of a suitcase for the next two weeks. Peace Out!
I feel like an injured soldier in the battlefield. Broken, helpless, fighting to survive. Who knew that the last month of college would feel this way. Well at least for me it does. I’ve also been sick the last two weeks with the flu which has not been all that great. During this time I really did not sit back and reflect of how far I’ve come but also how much more I have to grow. In faith, in my work, life experiences, relationships, etc. This is the point where as a college student, the point is to keep your eye on the ball, my eyes are kinda crossing and I have no idea where the ball went. Their was something I said to my roommate today regarding what I’ve gotten out of my University experience. We spoke about how we were both called here, I knew that I was called to this University for a reason. To be honest though, with that thought in my mind and one month away from Graduation, I feel that has not been answered. Yes I can name a ton of things that I did not enjoy and I can name things that I failed in and worked hard on to get back up. So I reflected on this and I don’t want to graduate with unanswered questions. I”m not even sure if God does that purposely or not. I’m really not sure, it’s a little overwhelming. At the same time the other battle that I came across was How little control I have of what I will be doing in the next month or so after graduation. I have this desire to serve, to do something in the lines of becoming a missionary again in some way. I feel that I’ve lost some of that while I’ve been in college. I don’t know if it was because I was working so much, the lack of leadership, or the fact that I’m burn out from doing all or most activities at school. I’m surprised that I’m surrounded my a good crowd of Catholics, yet most of them are afraid to take on a leadership role, I might be wrong. God called each and every one of us to JPCU for a reason. Again, I’m still trying to figure out why. I mean, I fell in love with the mission right from the start. The video hooked me in, but the question that continues to build in my heart is, can someone lose a part of their catholic identity at a Catholic University. Or is it my fault. I know I have my personal prayer to rely on, but community also plays a big part of that.
So. What next, Alive Again, its Friday, my bank account is at ZERO. I’m 27 and fighting to hold on to God and continuing to accept the graces God has in the works for me. I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. I’ve been still, have not left my apartment at all. I’ve been in the same clothing for two days, i’m listening to Matt Redman “Nothing but the Blood” It’s 3:00am. I pray that God may continue to show me the path or righteousness. The path or reconciliation. The path to be a Man of God. The path to be one with God and to be Man after God’s own heart.
Dear Lord I pray that you may reign in my heart. I pray that your everlasting glory may overturn the darkness in my heart. That your glory may shine the brightest light even in the most darkest off all places. May your peace come upon me and peace come to those I come in contact with. May I be faithful, patient, loving, kind, forgiving. May I be reminded of your death for me. You are the all-powerful, pour out your graces over me. Amen
It’s been hard to be myself lately. My emotions, my love for God has been challenged beyond measure. What I’ve felt in prayer has not been the same. Its like the downside of a roller coaster struggling to get over the highest point before reaching the big drop. 33 days till graduation, 33 days to finding a job. I try to remind myself of how much trust I have to put in God right now. It’s harder than anyone can think. Imagine, God here I am, I’ll just wait till you throw something my way. I’m open and longing for another path towards your will for me. As the word leave my breath, its unbearable, my mind says, I want this now, I want this new chapter to already begin, but my heart at the same time say, be patient, be loving, be caring. Especially in these last couple of days, I find myself slowly separating myself from classmates who have been through it all with me, I’m not sure if its selfish of me to just focus on myself, I feel i’m at another level then they are. Don’t mean it in a bad way.
I wonder how many other college students go through this, especially if you are older and don’t really have a plan set in stone. I think I’m finally reaching that point. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, its slightly blurred. It’s an obstacle really. I’ll leave it at that.
What do you do when someone tells you that the job you really were hoping to get says ” I don’t think this is your Vocation” So than I found this quote, and it was also something I’ve been praying about these last couple of months.
I enjoy doing film, I enjoy directing, and I even enjoy writing even though I suck at it. I’ve really grown a passion towards college ministry. It’s amazing how much God can work through someone who does campus ministry or develops programs at school. I know that I can still create something that can reach out to college students using Media. I know that I’m equipped to use those tools to spread the Gospel to college students. I wish I could continue to do it here but maybe God is not calling me here. Maybe I was called to JPCU to figure that out. To figure out that ministry is my vocation, now I have to apply media to it. It’s really hard to figure out what your vocation truly is, yes I’m frustrated when someone tells you its not your vocation, I would rather have that person tell me you did not get the job. Ultimately its God’s decision and not my own or anybody else to decide. I’m done.
I finally know the feeling. 38 day till graduation, the choir begins to sing the last little song, what next? Find a Freaking Job. What to do, what to do. Well what I’ve experienced so far is students freaking out about what they are going to do once the graduate. Some of them have no idea. I on the other hand, have no idea. The plan is set, I mean I know what I would like to do, I’m I passionate about it? I would like to be. But that feeling, let me describe it to you. It’s a little bit of anxiety, nervousness, non-stop thinking, your mind stays up 24/7 at times and you just keep searching. It’s really important not to get discouraged, I’ve applied for more than 24 jobs already and have only heard back from two. Now that’s nothing to get discouraged about right? Oh man, it’s a lot to take in. You try to loose hope, but I think one of the advantages I have is that I’m older, well actually it can also be a disadvantage. I think that’s one of the things I fear most about going into the film industry, going in as older person and by older I mean 27 and still learning the tricks of the game. I really don’t know if that’s an advantage or not.
What do I do with that. Where do I really go from there. I guess some words of encouragement for those college students going in or coming out. Make the most of your last year of college. Apply yourself at every moment no matter what people say or what people might not see you doing. If anything, share those experiences with your classmates, give back to them. Positive or negative, I think their is something their to really learn from. I’m surrounded by a lot of young men and woman who look for direction and I truly feel called to share what I’ve learned not only in school but through out my many chapters in life. I have another post I want to talk about, vocation. Sweet.
I ask myself to many times, What’s up with all these challenging trials. I’m like, “God give me a break” 42 days till Graduation and it’s getting harder. I feel like I’m being rushed out of here, swept up and thrown out. One challenge after the other. I just think God is placing more challenges on my plate and the Devil is really testing the hell out of me. By the way, I’m listening to Michael Buble, good stuff. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know where to go from there. I’m tired of facing so many challenges that are not helping me grow at all. I’m trying to focus on the positive but theirs nothing positive here to go forward with.
It’s a short post, the question I leave myself with is, is worth fighting for? Is it worth it?
Have you ever felt like you were fading out in some way. When all the work you have done and all the trials and challenges you fought for don’t mean anything anymore. How exactly do deal with that? Do you continue to pull forward without direction or do you allow for the piling of chains. It’s not exactly what I should be thinking of, since the end of the race is only 45 days away. The light at the end of the tunnel is just right there but I have to continue to “Under Promise, Over Deliver” It’s the phrase of the year for me. For some reason I have not gotten it right. Let me step back for a bit, God continues to work. He’s plugging away in my life. God has plans that I don’t quite understand. He fakes you out some times, you think you got the job and like that its taken from under you. Then its back to the drawing board, its back to the chapel, its back to asking for God’s graces. But really Gods graces continue to be there, the only difference is that I’ve turned my back on him . Not intentionally, I let my distractions, my business, my temptations, my weakness get in the way. Just then, when you think if you have some kind of attention, you feel your back on top, you are replaced, communication is cut off, you start doing your own thing, people stop responding to you, your numb, not awake, its me in a chapel playing a guitar, praying that someone wont mind me singing praises to God.
Sorry that my Fading Out post is all over the place, these are just all the thoughts that have been parading around my mind in the last week. At the same time, God continues to something greater, what is it? I have no clue. Ministry, Film, Production, New Media, Camp, Music. “Under Promise, Over Deliver” Alright, well it seems I got to the end of my writing thoughts. I have 45 days to find a job.
Well I’ve noticed a trend. I either blog at the beginning of the month or towards end, and sometimes both. I don’t what is about blogging, I like it, I don’t love it, yet. But it’s good get my thoughts out on a blog rather than a journal I guess.
The AFLO update
What have I been up to? As of now I’m still working on my senior thesis film “Short Film” It’s a story about young man who struggles to love his alcoholic father. It’s intense. The process - Well I’ve had about two quarters to develop this story, let me back up. I had another story called “Crossfire” turned out, I hated it. All the feedback I was receiving was negative and I agreed. It was not me as a storyteller. That’s one thing I’ve learned in the process of creating a story, YOU HAVE TO A GOOD ONE. A long with that, you have to be able to tell a story that you can direct, that relates to you and your audience. The cool thing is, our professor has been able to tell us what type of Director we are, I’m the good heart Director. Sounds cheesy but you have to take that and run with.
It’s something that I have not payed attention to while Directing projects that I’ve done so far. I’m the kind of person that tried to do everything on my own, which never works. Although, sometimes it does work. Whatever. So where I”m now in my production stage, well I tried to be ambitious, no bueno. So I’ve recruited a crew, a good one I hope, met with my Gaffer, Have not locked down a DP, but the opportunity to work with the RED Camera is a possibility. Again, going back to story, Every DP that I’ve sent my story to, likes it, but have concerns. Like the Scogdog say’s “YOU HAVE A PROBLEM” I’m trying to fix it now. So hopefully, not only will I have a sweet crew and cast, I’ll have an awesome short, I just have to Deliver, which I here a lot from our president at JPCatholic “Under Promise” and “Over Deliver” I think that’s how it goes.
So I’m very confident about Directing this final short. What sucks is that everybody else is in post and I have not filmed yet. The goal was again, to cast, film and shoot in one day. Man oh Man what was I thinking. Anyway, enought about the short, I’ll update that next time. The Process is great though, I’ve met so many people in the last three days, very talented people.
What’s Up With School? I thought you were done.
No not quite. The way I see it, I have two months left. I can’t believe how fast these last three years have gone by. It’s seriously a trip. I’m blown away of how much material I’ve come across and how much yet I have to learn after that. I’m 27 now and I start to think about that question while your high school, Where do you see yourself 1o years from now? Uh graduating College! Wow. It’s amazing how things work out and how God begins to put things into place. At the same time, as an individual I continue to give as much I can. I graduated High School, Did 2 years of Missionary Workd, 2 years of Community College, 1 years in AZ, and 3 years now in San Diego. That’s a large building block. At some points I still remember crumbling to the ground and rising back up. That’s the journey I’ve been on these last three years. Fighting to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and last try my hardest to fulfill my educational goal.
I’m not the brightest kid in class, I would say I struggle the most. But having to balance school and work is still difficult and on top that build faith filled community. Overall though, this is my life, this is what I long for. These are the challenges that I will commit to and do whatever I can to seek strength and joy in everything I do. I love film making, have I given 100%, no, I wish could but I don’t have the time, I love building college community, I wish I had the time, I love doing homework, (yea right, I hate doing homework) I love growing spiritually, but I have yet to continue to give myself totally to Christ.
Man oh man how long the journey continues to be. To bring it all together now. I’m looking forward to graduation. I cant wait to be finished to stand their at the podium and really enjoy the moment. To take in all the hard work I’ve put in these last couple years. To enjoy the moment for my family who sacrificed so much to help pay for my school, to the point of putting the house up just to finish paying for my tuition. For all the sacrifices I’ve done and the friends who have been their to support me through good and bad. What a blessing. So anyway, that’s all I have for this round of a blog. Not much, again pieces of thoughts in my head. God Bless.
Just a quick update. In the last couple weeks I have been producing my senior directing project. I hosted auditions Saturday in Hollywood, attended the Catholic Underground in Hollywood, and last ate a ton of food at y parents house. Overall it was a busy and crazy weekend. I worked on my car with my cousin and fixed some useful things like the head light. Other than that, again I’m not gonna really deep this blog post, but I’m hoping that tomorrow I will. Peace Out
